It was shockingly revealed today that a knee had been touched. Moreover, the perpetrator was a man whose grasp of dinner table etiquette was as firm as a weasel’s wet fart only less palatable. The sous table fiddling had followed nods and winks over the soufflé and not a little gentle innuendo over the cheese course. We have reason to be thankful that dessert was not a crème brulee lest it provoked the ardours even more, symbolising as it does how a superficial hardness later reveals a softer creamier extrusion after a short bit of agitation with spoon and finger. Reports have noted similar events at other gatherings where men in dinner suits, over inflated egos and unjustified self-confidence had mistaken large bulges in their trousers for indicators of sexual prowess instead of their wallets. It is generally accepted that where two or three, or more, are gathered together in an alcohol infused reverie, in which ego is in inverse proportion to actual importance or ability to deliver, that lines would be crossed and perhaps later snorted. To say this was revelatory is stretching it a bit, following as it does numerous sightings of woodland defaecations by the genus ‘Ursus’. Journalists at certain tabloids of course have made hay, splashing the story across their front page feigning faux indignation at such an outrageous and clumsy attempt at foreplay. On page 3, Sharon of Colchester (23) was quoted as saying that “although this appears to be an indiscretion, it by no means reduces the Honourable Member’s ability to be a thrusting bastion of Defence expenditure in the Cabinet, if he can control his member in number 10”. Her tits looked rather splendid as well.
Dr Archibald Creampie at the International Journal for the Promulgating of Advancement of Studies has conducted research into this area for quite some time. He has written extensively and recently published a paper ‘Tory Ministers, Their Trousers and Trifling Infidelities in the Neoliberal era: An ethnography in troubled times’, stated “The association between certain positions of power and incidences of knee touching are highly correlated. It has even been known that late night drinking in bars at Westminster has a causal relationship to fellatio, rimming and embarrassment the next day.” However, his ‘participant observation’ methods have been criticised for allowing subjectivity to cloud his analysis.
Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment.